Dear Friends,

I feel the need to start this update with an apology for having been so silent in the weeks since Lee’s home-going. I know many of you have sent e-mails and left messages which have gone unanswered. I haven’t been ignoring you. I just haven’t had a chance to sit down long enough to compose my thoughts—which have been whirring around like the contents of a blender inside my head. I know you understand. But, I still feel bad. The re-alignment of our lives has begun, but it’s still pretty bumpy.

Molly, thank you for the flowers!

Thank you, too, for your continuing prayers for us. I do feel them. As
we move away from the holidays and the busy-ness of the first weeks
back to school, the hole Lee’s death created in our family is now really showing. It’s painful for me. I believe it is for the children, too. Yet, I’m constantly aware of God’s presence. His peace is still tangible amidst everything else that’s going on. We are beginning the healing.

We took to California in mid-January with the Allens, our good friends. The trip was one that Lee and I were planning to do last year before everything fell apart. Jack was old enough to begin to really appreciate Disneyland, and Rob and Ben were still young enough that it wouldn’t have been un-cool to go there. After Lee died, I felt as though it was important for us to take that trip—and to do it soon.

Many of you are the ones who made that trip possible! I am deeply
grateful. I’m thankful, too, for Kevin and Beth Allen. Originally, I was planning on taking the trip alone—just me and the children. However, when Kevin helped me realize that I would be without adult interaction for 9 days I was greatly relieved that he offered to bring his family along. We had an absolutely marvelous time!

That trip along with the preceding holidays had a cathartic affect on us as we had something to think about besides missing Lee. Let me say that more accurately. We had something to think about in addition to missing Lee. There was no way we couldn’t think of how much we missed her—and still do. But, I think you know what I mean when I say having the additional events helped.

I’ve begun attending a GriefShare program at our church. It’s been
good to meet other widowers with young children. Just knowing I’m
not the only one has a great way of keeping me from feeling isolated.

Much of the program thus far has been dealing with the emotional
side of grief. I learned that, for many, anger is one of the strongest emotions that can appear; anger at God for taking away a loved one, or even anger at the person who’s passed away. Thankfully, that is a feeling I really don’t have. I would never have chosen this. I would never have asked to be a single parent. I’d never request that my children finish growing up without their mother. But, I’d also never clench my fist and accuse God of not having our best interests in mind. God is good. The Bible tells us that everything that passes our way does so with His knowledge. Everything will be redeemed. Romans 8:28 is true.

As the leader of the GriefShare workshop mentioned the other night: God only has a Plan “A”. He doesn’t need any alternatives because His plan is working out just as He intended. It’s a mystery to be sure. But it’s the truth. Just because I can’t understand it doesn’t make it untrue. And our healing will be helped as we come to grips with the fact that we’re not in charge.

I’m thankful that I am not feeling guilt or anger over Lee’s passing. I’m hurting to be sure. I’d sure appreciate your prayers. And, while you’re praying, would you mind asking our Heavenly Father to provide me with the wisdom and discernment I need to figure out how to manage all these plates spinning in the air?

So many of you have asked how you can help. I really don’t have an
answer to that question yet. I’m not unwilling to ask for help. I just don’t know where I need it. It’s wonderful feeling as though there is an army of friends standing ready to jump in wherever needed. It’s awkward not being able to tell them what they can do. We’re OK financially (Lee’s death benefit for the children from Social Security will cover nearly all of the costs of their schooling [what a major blessing that was!]). There’s food in the pantry. The hours where I need help caring for the children while I’m at work seem to be covered. I know I could use more help. I
just don’t yet know where.

Be patient. When I figure this out, I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, we yearn for the familiar. Yet, everything is different. We want what was. But know that what we now have isn’t bad.

God is with us and Lee is with Him. Oh, how I long for the day when
I can see her again.

Rob